October 25, 2012

5 Things I've Done That I'm Not Proud Of

I'm jotting it down to 5 things because we can probably sit here for an eternity before I get through. Oh, and jotting it down to just 5 also means I have to think of the worst and work my way down, which is just as long. So if you haven't already guessed from all my blabbering, this is gonna take awhile.

In no particular order: 

1) Upon a rather vulnerable time in my life (every two days or so), I called a once-adored dude pretending to be shitfaced. If I hadn't pretended, then I'd have nothing to blame his negligence on but my sanity -- Which is ten times more pathetic. I'd rather just be six times more pathetic -- As my subconscious demands.

2) I (unsuccessfully) pee'd in a water bottle, once. Never will I attempt to do so again.

3) I've consciously lied and manipulated to get my way during arguments with loved ones.

4.) I once (overly) faked an orgasm and made up that I began feel a lot of pain only so he would stop the awful thrusting.

5) I became a groupie.

I started to feel hardcore rejection from this one guy, which had never happened to me prior to this turn-down. It was tough to manage and inevitably, all insecurites began to challenge my sanity.

So, forwarding through all the douche-y gestures of him making out with another girl at a nightclub (in front of my face), consecutively ditching me, etc., I started to grow a connection with his... best friend.

At first, it was an unconscious way of me feeling better about myself. His friend initiated through giving me the attention I oh-so longed for, even if it wasn't exactly whom I craved it from. Then, clarity struck, followed by anger pitching in at it's peak. The rejection started to take a toll on me to where I wound up in a cliche of revenge. It soon developed as a scheme to make Best Friend A feel as solemnly rejected as I felt. But see, vengeance never really ever falls in the favor of a hopeless romantic -- I soon after, began to grow feelings for Best Friend B.

(Lol, sorry.. referencing them as if I'm solving a math problem is making me giggle and feel like a total dickface at the same time).

Continuing --

Well, there is no resuming. It all ended as tragic and dramatic as it intended. I ultimately received all the ridicule and shame, as I am the a female and "I should know better".

If my wannabe pity-story wasn't up-front enough, here's what I took from it: No matter how rejected I felt from Best Friend A and no matter how hard I tried to victimize myself into thinking he was the one at fault, in no shape or form was it right for me to follow through into any kind of relationship with his best friend. Especially when I was still ga-ga over Best Friend A.

There are too many fish in the sea to get caught up in a dowry between two close fishies. That's like Nemo dating Dory after Dory and Nemo's dad had a thing.

Just don't do it.

Did I really just write this shit?

Signed, -S

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