May 13, 2013

Fishing 101

I've been sitting on this black, dog-nail drenched couch just staring at my white non-contextual screen, trying to tackle at least one thought from my mind and write about it. My presicion isn't doing me any justice. I would argue this is why I'm no good at fishing. My thoughts are like a school of blue-fin tuna swimming in abundance through my meninges (ironic use of blue-fin tuna, considering they are endangered) and no matter how irresistibly delicious the bait may be, those fuckers resist. They gradually get more intelligent and tactical in being able to abstain from my luring.

This takes discipline and courage; takes intergity. What most of us lack. How is it that my thoughts can hold these personifying attributes but it is rarely transcended through our very beings?

I'd like to believe I am disciplined in the most important aspects of my life, like being able to withstand the use of drugs, follow-through with my family, be conscious of my education, or resist that beloved bed of Truffle Fries with a side of garlic aioli -- I fall short more often than not when faced with this challenge, so this is a terrible example, but you get where I'm going with this.

I'd like to believe that I am courageous. I altered my life just a month ago, changing my major 2nd year in, from Biology to English, despite my overwhelming fear of failure. That's a big one. Precisely the reason why I've never entirely finished a damn thing in my life. Everything that's captured my attention along with whatever amount of motivation I had in the time being, eventually mislaid -- another one of my shortcomings (totally making my argument about being disciplined debatable, just in case you missed that).

Even though it made all the sense one can probably ever comprehend to be an English major, I was still afraid of becoming a disappointment. Even if it is a rational disappointment, which is no better. In fact, it's worse -- Because that would mean you're lacking success in the one and most likely only thing that makes you somewhat of an individual, in oppose to just sucking ass at everything in which at least you possess perseverance. 

Maybe I compensate with the ability to be overly open about my emotions and experiences. Granted, I wouldn't be 15 (questionably insane) blog posts in. But that also has it's own shortcomings. It leaves a massive gap for an audience to use their own acquired perspectives and judge because let's face it, that's what we are all so adequately best at; sometimes causing more malevolence than benevolence. Yet, whether or not I find an ease with being able to expose my emotions contextually, really doesn't matter. I am forever naturally enslaved to letting my emotions belittle my experiences (or vise-versa); witnesses or not. 

So yes, judgement is inevitable, I've grown to accept that. And yes, I am defiant and a coward. But one thing I don't have to "like to believe" or find questionable is my salvage of integrity. Despite how raw, ambiguous and dark I can be, I find it leaving less room for anyone to challenge my sincerity. If there's any righteous trait I can say I am proud of, it's my honesty. No matter the gravity of it. Which is not something most people can say, and I will be that snobby, prideful bitch to point it out because I've earned that right for myself. 

Looks like I ended up catching a few blue-fins after all, whatayaknow.

Signed, -S

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