Apology Letter to Myself

I'm struggling to find the right words to somehow precisely detect how I'm feeling at this very moment. Which is news to me. That seemed to be the only thing I can do with some regard and consistency.

Some would even say I've "mastered" the ability to shed the beholding of emotion and articulate as if I've been long imprisoned by them. Ha, well....

They've got me behind bars tonight.

I've somehow been sustaining with this heavy drought pressing against my heart. Even after playing the playlist titled "mutilate" about 50 times in an interval of 2 hours, which includes artists such as The Cure, Ben Howard, & The Smiths (which all in itself, gives the title much justification) -- I'm still at a lost for words.

Even the world's most powerful, inflicting love songs aren't able to give off lee-way or some kind of direction in this whirlpool of emotion.

What do I feel..
How do I feel..
Why do I feel..

In no particular order.

But, on rewind.

I should be happy for you. I should be flippin' relieved that I too, can finally openly move on with my life without feeling guilty of doing so. I should have congratulated you sincerely and have made it meant something. My list of "should's" could go on but it would all lead to deception.

That says a lot about me, right? And if it doesn't, well let me clarify:

I'm a selfish, condescending asshole who starts kicking rocks when things take an unplanned detour in my brew of witchery.

I've gotten everything I wanted since we officially parted ways. I've been alive. I blamed you for the loss of my individuality. So, I lived. I experienced -- And then, lo and behold: there "I" was again. Grin and all. Seductive ways that make men go mad, manipulation at it's finest; a blooming rose picked right out of  Eve's garden. Irresistible. A rose, if not held with caution, would knowingly rupture solely because it was given that defense.

A rose, implanted with a fear of being alone, and doing anything to fill the emptiness that was once replenished.

I hated that person. I hate that person. Yet, here "I" am! Living and experiencing, like I told you I would. What a kick. Only to be rightfully enlightened by you today that you have  FINALLY and deservingly caught up.

Then suddenly, there it is. My dead-end. As you held my hand, looking right through me, not even having to verbalize the words "I have to let you go now",  yet I knew and understood.

I started to feel my actual self show face. The actual self I was a year ago, today. The actual self I was with you. And even that wasn't enough.

I wanted to be better.
I wanted to do better.

Because of you.

I will forever be grateful for everything we learned together. How much we grew together. How much depth we had, that anyone who knew us would willingly fall eternally lost in our world and call it home. I think of the night a year ago where we sat on the ledge right outside of my mom's house, knowing our time together was up. You asked me to put out my pinky, and with a curl & a latch: a promise. A promise so juvenile. Yet, beautiful.

"10 years".

"We only have 9 more to go", you whispered. Using the word only so adequately.

You reminded me of beauty again.

If your eyes ever happen to casually or curiously glimpse at this, it shouldn't nor will I let it change your rightful decision. You will see it through because you owe it to yourself to. I owe it to you too.

These are just scrolling words on screen, attempting to air what gives birth inside of me. And you know me, closure is my best form of an apology. Even if it is ultimately an apology to myself.

So no, I'm not physically happy for you, nor will I be anytime soon. But I know you are or will eventually feel happy, and that is genuinely all this heart that is partially yours desires.

I know you will be because you are a respectable man of commitment; to love and to life. I really hope she knows how incredible you are, in all your forms. Who am I kidding, she'd be freaking exiled if she didn''t already know that.

Even at fourteen years of age, stripped of the burdens of life and as I know now --
It is completely and entirely impossible not to love you. Please, don't ever forget that.

Okay. I think I'm ready now.

Let go.

Signed, -S