January 8, 2013

Blue Night, Gone Fragile

To whom it may concern,

I want to start off by saying,  fuck you. 

Alright, now that I got that off this ever so prideful chest -- not referring to my breasts, nothing to be prideful about there -- I can now proceed to be dramatic. 

Dude, you totally broke something in this (wannabe) cold heart. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these feelings now? I can't just shun them away like I'd desire to. If it were up to me, I'd cram all these gut, wrenching makes-me-want-to-projectile-vomit critter of feelings into a shit bag, and beautifully wrap it in more shit -- Then send it to you via a donkey's asshole. 
..alright, I obviously haven't really put much thought into it, but definitely emphasizing on the shit, because that's how you made me feel when you decided to flee our disclosed duo. I may not have showed that I cared much about it, but c'mon! I'm a chick, an incredibly emotionally/mentally and maybe even physically looking disturbed one at that, so of course I freaking care. Even though we weren't deemed in terms of there being an official enclosure of "us", I still feel somewhat dumped and it sucks. I now know why every guy I've ever dated called me a pathological bitch for breaking things off with them, most of the time because I was indeed a pathological bitch. I may still be one, I don't know.

Point is, I'm hurt. It's a weird kind of hurt though. It's a hurt that I can bare with and almost kind of like. It only makes it's plunder either right before I'm headed to bed at night (when all my thoughts decide to organize themselves), or when a slit-wrists kinda song comes on, which seems that's all I feel like listening to. It's still not something intruding most of my time and thought process throughout the day, like I've felt in the past. Maybe it's because I'm wiser now, and a smidgen less pathetic...probably not. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining but I still hate you for it. 

If I had any sense of stability though, I'd say:

I don't blame you. It's almost like I respect you a little more, for having the courage to do it before things got even more inevitably complicated between us.

I wanted to feel fake love from you. But that's all I wanted and that's why I couldn't have it. If it had prolonged like I wanted it to, first phase would just have been a matter of who caved in first to this wannabe mystical love. Second phase, who hated the other person more for it. And third phase, well.. you saw how Sid and Nancy ended up.   

You're still a douche for waiting to have this awakening as soon as I started to develop whatever this shit is, flapping in my stomach. 

With that being said,

I love you, and go fuck yourself. 

Signed, -S

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